Jamie, je t'aime

Dear Jamie,
Let’s meet up by the red telephone booth at the corner of Madison and Grand
From there we can go to our favorite Deli,
where we can eat French fries dipped in lots of ketchup and mayonnaise

“What will you do when you graduate?” ask I.

“Move into Osaka, and watch the Sakura trees blossom.”
“Or enroll to an Ivy League university, so that after I graduate, I can apply to a prestigious company and get handsome salary.”
“Or perhaps I’ll go to Tibet, and becoming a monk.”
“But I’m always curious to try joining the United Nations Volunteers and helping Darfur refugees.”

“But definitely not staying here, because my dreams are too big for this town.”

Oh wait, I hold my breath, why didn’t you tell me that before?

Because Jamie,
I always picture you as someone who I have always wanted to share my life with,
Who will hold my hands and hug me close whenever I needed familiar warmth,
Who will be the first person I see each morning when I wake up.

Can’t you see Jamie,
That’s always the way I feel about you and me.

Those Three Months, I Remember

As I was walking down this narrow lane of Perugia
Stepping slowly on cobblestones that were set centuries ago
When all of the sudden I was almost ran down by this blue Vespa
Shocked and surprised, I screamed out foul words until this old Italian lady yelled, “Silenzio!”

She made gesture as if flicking a lamp’s switch off
Continued with another sign :
Sliding her thumb and forefinger across her lips as if shutting a zipper

I definitely got the message, didn’t need to ask her
That was a simple gesture I learned in kindergarten over 25 years ago
When our teacher wanted us to shut up and sit down quietly
Before starting the ritual of saying Lord’s Prayer

Instead I waved my left hand that wasn’t holding the brown umbrella
“Mi scusi, Signora,” said I, and walked away hurriedly
Surprised by my own ashamed feeling of having no guts to face this stern old Italian lady
Oh, I haven’t told you it was raining drizzly that day, eh?

A little trivia : I turned 30 that year
So I decided to give myself a birthday present
It was a 3 months vacation to Italy
The country that gave birth to a grand man
That millenniums later is known universally as an operation technique he was named after

It was surely the most amazing 3 months of my life
Good time partying with young people, citizen of the world
Strolling down traditional market, pocketful of loose changes with no idea what to buy
Flirting using sign language with a beautiful girl whose sad face framed with auburn locks,
Because she doesn’t speak English, and deaf ever since five

I can guarantee you, what a feat it was
Intellectually challenging, such a test to patience
Yet we could still find ways to communicate and
To share this love that knows no boundaries of races, religions or political views

It was the most amazing 3 months in my life
Because I could forget all my worries back home
Leaving them behind, and only have tomorrows to look upon
It was the time when horizon seems far enough, yet within reach

It was still a jolly good time when the last day finally arrived
As I sat down on Leonardo da Vinci airport’s cold steel bench
These random thoughts passing through my mind like cold wind blown from the sea,
“Hope I can return to this magnificent country, which cities are as old as civilization itself,”
“Hope that when I return, I will fall in love all over again with the beautiful life Italy has to offer ..."

“Oh, shoot! Hope I didn’t impregnate that beautiful deaf girl!”

Ah, questa dolce Vita!

Photo illustration courtesy of C.G. Salon in Fayetteville, Georgia, U.S.A.
Used for non-commercial purpose without permission.

The Pretty Face in Those Stupid YouTube Videos

I saw and walked past a strange looking guy this morning while walking to the office. He looked awful, uncombed hair, wore worn out clothes, has sunburned skin, and unshaven. Simply put, he’s a total mess. He bent down on the sidewalk and wrote on it with a piece of chalk “Effendy”. I don’t know whether he wanted to tell the passerbys his name or else, but obviously, I don’t want to find out.

I saw a strange video in YouTube this afternoon. There’s a young girl in it. Obviously, she recorded the video and uploaded it herself. She also looked like a mess, all teary and runny nose, awfully looking hair. However, one can see that she used to be pretty, even though her sandy colored hair made her look ugly and silly. She started lip-synching to Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt”, which made her cried even more. I noticed in an instant, who she really is. Her recent broke up with his boyfriend already made small ripples in tabloids and gossip shows.

Now, I don’t feel pity or sympathy to that “Effendy” guy, because my mind is too busy thinking about other things. It’s already cluttered with half-baked creative ideas for a pitch for a provider’s new campaign. And come to think of him again, I’m not even half sure that he’s a nut.

As to the the girl in the video? Why should one feel pity towards her? She knew exactly what would come upon her if public watched her videos, yet she still uploaded them to YouTube. The public love to judge others, especially performers and entertainers. And it certainly won’t help being a former child idol, a has been soap opera megastar like you. The public don’t have pity on your “kind”, who we judged as a has been, a used to be, the failed one. You know how much the public is consisted of harsh critics. So when you acting up all like that, we as the public, laughed hard. Everybody loves laughing at losers, your "kind", because that makes us feel better.

My simple advice to you, pretty face in those stupid YouTube videos: cheer up!

I still remember your - supposedly - killer looks while watching the premiere of Sex and The City The Movie, together with your friend Velove. What you really need to get through all this diminishing stardom and subsequent mental breakdown is Mariah Carey. Everyone knows how she had fallen hard from grace, and surprisingly, bounced and made a solid come back. Look at where she is now.

You see, life’s been treating you very well in your childhood and teenage years. Who knows what has been reserved for you in years to come? Just hang on there.

Oh, and one more thing. Never upload other silly videos like the ones you did before this. They’re plain stupid.

Disclaimer: The image above is not the person I'm referring to in this writing.

Is Now The Time To Move On ?

I need to move on with my life.
I don’t want to be stuck here forever, the place which started to feel like a comfort zone.
Do I have to change my job?
Looking at things which happened these latter days, the answer is probably: Yes.
But the future might be bleak, having no money and living by yourself here in this cruel city that reserve no sympathy for people who has no money or resources.
And I don’t want to beg for job to my friends or relatives, and definitely, NOT money, from anyone.
Do I have guts to follow the path of one of my best friend, who resigned from her promising position in her office, and follow her dreams of becoming a writer?
The answer for this time is probably: No.
Gosh, I am oh so confused now.

A city, for us.

I'm looking over from the wide window of
the forty-fourth floor to the vast landscape

It's the skyline of the city that
never stops breathing

Where little miracles happen to everyone
not only to the faithful and devout believers

The city that shines bright with neon lights
and produce strange loud noises from deep inside its lungs

A city that breathes in breathes out
signaling the fragility of lives

How happiness lives just next door to sorrow
and how death lurks in from every corner

Because we all need a place where we can go
where we feel safe and love and provide us shelter

A city for each and everyone of us.

Sungguh Pedulikah Kamu?

"Gambarkan aku dengan 1 kata. Hanya 1 kata. Kirim jawabannya padaku lalu kirim pesan ini ke teman2mu dan lihat jawaban aneh dan mengagumkan tentangmu. Bales ya, karena ini sangat seru!"

Ternyata meninggalkan jejak-jejak eksistensi berupa komentar dan testimonial di berbagai situs jejaring sosial seperti MySpace, Friendster, Multiply dan Facebook kini tidak lagi cukup bagi sebagian orang.
Sejak dua hari belakangan ini, sudah puluhan teman mengirimkan pesan serupa di atas yang tiba-tiba muncul begitu saja dalam jendela perbincangan saat aku sedang online di Yahoo! Messenger.
Dari content-nya saja, sudah ketahuan dengan jelas bahwa pesan ini tidak lebih dari semacam pesan massal yang dikirimkan kepada semua orang di dalam daftar teman-teman Messenger si pengirim, dan cenderung memberikan kesan layaknya spam messages, yang kurang-lebih menyerupai pesan ucapan selamat hari raya identik dan kurang berperasaan – karena bersifat sangat impersonal – yang berseliweran dan memenuh-menuhi kotak surat telepon genggam kita menjelang perayaan hari raya tertentu.
Sebenarnya sudah sebegitu narsiskah kita kini, sampai merasa perlu meminta semua orang di dalam daftar Y!M kita untuk mendeskripsikan diri kita sendiri? Kalaupun kemudian teman-teman kita di daftar Y!M tersebut merespon, apakah kita benar-benar peduli apa jawaban yang mereka berikan? Apakah kita akan benar-benar senang ketika mendapatkan dan membacanya? Apakah cuma pujian – atau apapun bentuk jawaban yang kita dapatkan – yang memberi makna bagi hidup kita?

Hal-hal kecil dalam hidup terkadang dan dengan caranya yang tak terduga memang bisa mewarnai dan menambah ceria hidup ini.
Namun terkait pesan “hanya 1 kata” ini, apakah kita akan bisa sungguh-sungguh peduli?

Bila ditanyakan padaku, jawabannya adalah: tidak.
Jika aku tidak merasa memiliki kedekatan personal dengan si pemberi jawaban / respon balik, rasanya apapun jawaban yang dia / mereka berikan untukku, tidak akan meninggalkan kesan apapun. Dan sebagai impilkasinya, aku juga tidak akan peduli.
Now you can call me ignorant. Silahkan. I don’t mind at all.

Dan sebagai penutup tulisan ini:
Maaf buat beberapa teman yang hanya mendapatkan respon balik berupa tanda tanya (?) dariku. Aku sudah jelaskan apa maksudku dengan tanda baca itu, bukan?

Dan Aku Pun Bertanya ...

Apakah Kata senafas dengan Perbuatan ?
Tahukah Tanah apa yang akan tumbuh di atasnya ?
Sanggupkah Benak mencerna semua Isyarat menjadi Bahasa ?
Mungkinkah Makna bisa dibatasi oleh Imajinasi ?
Harumkah Bunga tanpa ada yang membauinya ?
Mengapakah Hidup tak bisa menjadi lebih sederhana ?

Mampukah cinta menyatukan dua hati ...
selamanya?

When in Doubt

"Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane, if Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguish night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation."



- a reminder quotation from Yann Martel's award-winning novel, Life of Pi, which I finished reading on December 2004 -