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write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write write.

i have to start writing because deadline’s approaching but my hands & my mind won't cooperating.

*image was taken without permission from peter, bjorn and john's cover album

When Google Confuses

Sometimes, if you have questions burning in your mind, googling for their answers might not be the best solution.

Like what I experienced just now.

I was curious about the history on voting systems and processes from some countries around the world, so I typed ‘male voter’ into the Google’s window query.

A little trivia: Do you know that Indonesia is one of a few countries that allowed women to cast votes in their very first election ever held in the history of these countries?

Anyway, the results of my query were quite surprising. Among the expected descriptions and links, there’s an entry that caught my gaze once I skimmed over. It was : “Tips and Advice on Anal Sex”, which offers “... check list of the five things you need to know for a good, safe, pleasant anal sex experience”.

Uh, no.
I won’t give you the URL link here. Google it yourself if you’re really that interested.

I wonder what ‘male voter’ and ‘voting system’ has to do with ‘anal sex’.

And now if I have this question about how Google works, whom I should consult to? Wikipedia??

Learning from Jay Gatsby

It can be said that I was particularly clueless about the plot of F. Scott Fitzgerald's “The Great Gatsby” when I first started reading it a couple of months back. All I ever knew was that this novel always made it to the shortlist of “great American novels of the 20th century”, or "100 best novels of all time”. I also heard from someone or read from somewhere that this novel had perfectly portrayed the lifestyle of the wealthy and famous, the socialites and crème de la crème which formed New York’s upper class in the 1920s. Those two reasons alone were the main reason that aroused my curiosity to this novel.

Little that I knew that its story would end in such a very dramatic way. That was why I felt some kind of sad, awe and shocked by its very tragic ending.

It also made me ask myself for a thousandth time the ever so old yet still mind-bugging question, “If you really love someone so deep, how long will you wait for her (or him) to love you back with the same intensity?”

Jay Gatsby waited persistently for nearly five years to be able to meet his one true love, Daisy Buchanan, once again.

How long will I patiently wait to be able to meet the love of my life, for the very first time?

Disco Will Not Be Here to Stay (Neither Will You)

This is where we’ve come to
After all these things we’ve gone through

This time I’m taking it away
It is you who have got a problem

I see you are lost in so many different ways
When the problems getting in the way

You told me they made you feel like being left out in darkness
Alone, by yourself
Where no one is around to help you
While in fact I was actually standing next to you, yet
Invisible
To your eyes

Do you know that love can easily come and pass you by ?
Do you realize that it can hit you hard and then you realize,
that it’s already slipping through your fingers out of your hands ?

But you just don’t understand

So this time I’m taking it away
So you won’t have to see the elevating pain,
As the hurt turns into hating

My mind’s done with you and everything about us

But still I have this one question burning inside,
“Since I’m here to stay, can I just throw you away?”

Menikmati M*

Pernah kubaca entah di mana, seseorang yang kulupa entah siapa, mengatakan bahwa menulis blog itu sama saja dengan bermasturbasi dengan pikirannya.

Oops !

Menurut hematku pribadi, pendapat yang diparafrasekan kembali di atas itu lumayan vulgar. Dan terasa tidak pada tempatnya. Bisa jadi – ini berdasarkan kecurigaan tak berdasar semata – karena yang mengeluarkan pendapat itu cuma asal bunyi saja, sekedar cetusan mencari sensasi belaka.

Ibarat kata, biar happening aja gitu.

(Menggunakan idiom ”ibarat kata” barangkali akan membuat sementara pihak menduga kalau aku terinspirasi oleh Dewi Perssik kala dirinya sedang diinterview oleh para wartawan infotainment)

Soalnya, apa perbedaan nyata antara aktivitas menulis blog dengan menulis diary, selain medium yang dipergunakannya ?

Menulis blog jelas-jelas ditujukan untuk konsumsi khalayak – karena kalau tidak, buat apa dipasang di wilayah yang terkategorikan sangat umum karena bisa diakses oleh sejuta umat. Benar demikian, bukan ? Sedangkan menulis diary jelas-jelas termasuk dalam ranah pribadi, karena rasa-rasanya tidak ada yang melakukannya dengan tujuan untuk kemudian sengaja diekspos/dipublikasikan kepada masyarakat luas.

Tapi tak pernah kudengar ada pendapat yang mengatakan kalau rajin menulis diary berarti gemar bermasturbasi (masih “dengan pikirannya”, ingat dong embel-embel yang ini jangan sampai lupa). Padahal kegiatan menulis diary kan cenderung dilakukan kala si penulis sedang sendirian di dalam sebuah ruangan, saat dirinya merasa rileks dan nyaman serta bisa berkonsentrasi penuh pada aktivitas yang ingin dilakukannya. Bedanya apa coba dengan kondisi yang memungkinkan seseorang bermasturbasi ?

Nah, apabila kembali lagi ke premis yang mendasari tulisan ini, yaitu untuk mengomentari pendapat di atas, rasanya jadi agak semakin membingungkan. Bila dikatakan ”target” pembaca blog itulah yang menjadi dasar pembentukan pendapat itu tadi, berarti bisa jadi ”tuduhan” sesungguhnya adalah bahwa penulis blog itu eksibisionis dong. Secara ”masturbasi” dengan tujuan bisa dinikmati oleh orang lain. [*euw*]

Barangkali hanya aku saja yang jadinya berpendapat begini : si pencetus pendapat itu tadi malah terkesan pervert yah. Seperti si kakek cabul di Dragon Ball, yang memiliki kecenderungan (baca: fetish) berbeda dengan mayoritas orang lainnya, tapi malah menganggap kelompok mayoritas lah yang memiliki kekeliruan. Hhhmm ...

Ngomong-ngomong nih, mengapa lebih banyak orang Indonesia yang tidak mengetahui bahwa padanan kata dalam bahasa Indonesia untuk masturbasi adalah ”merancap” ?

Entah apa akar katanya, dan aku belum sempat mencoba mencari referensi dari Kamus Besar Bahasa Indonesia, apa bentuk kata dasarnya; apakah ’ancap’ atau ’rancap’.

Barangkali ada yang bisa membantu memberikan pencerahan ?

menggumam pelan

dan ketika kubuka mataku pagi tadi tak lagi kutemukan dirimu terlelap di sampingku membuatku sadar bahwa hari-hari itu telah silam dan harusnya tak lagi kuharap kembali tapi entahlah mungkin aku sudah terlalu terbiasa menatap senyummu yang menghiasi wajah meskipun aku tahu pikiranmu sedang berkelana dan kuyakin sudah lama hal itu kamu ketahui dari caraku menatapmu setiap kali kita bertatap pandang yakinlah bahwa aku masih sayang.

It's Complicated

Awalnya, dalam hal ini duluuu sekali kurang-lebih sudah tiga tahun silam, aku merasa alangkah senangnya ketika melihat kolom status di Friendster menawarkan opsi “It’s Complicated” sebagai alternatif pilihan selain Status standar dan membosankan semacam ‘Single’, ‘In a Relationship’, dan ‘Married’.
Entah mengapa, bagiku seperti ada bumbu intrik yang begitu kental dengan status yang menyebut It’s Complicated tersebut.

Sejak minggu pertama kusadari ada opsi Status tersebut, langsung kotaknya kucontreng check-in.
Yes! Sekarang kehidupan asmara ku pun beraroma intrik dan terasa lebih sensual dan misterius. Setidaknya inilah ilusi dalam benakku saat itu.

Kalau ditanyakan kepada diriku sendiri, saat itu memang hubunganku dengan R sedang tidak jelas statusnya. Aku bersikukuh ingin mempertahankan hubungan yang sudah berjalan satu tahun ini. Namun sebagian dari diriku, barangkali bisa dikatakan alam sadarku, berulang-kali check-in dan meminta aku segera check-out dari hubungan kami tersebut.
Andai saja waktu itu aku lebih memperhatikan tanda dan penanda ..., well, tapi tentu saja bukan itu yang ingin kubahas saat ini.
Yang jelas, bagiku saat itu terminologi It’s Complicated merupakan status hubungan yang paling tepat untuk menggambarkan hubunganku dengannya.

Seiring perjalanan waktu dan panjangnya penjelajahan di situs jejaring sosial ini semakin kutemukan ada begitu banyak orang-orang tidak penting lainnya yang asal mencantumkan ”It’s Complicated” dalam pilihan statusnya. Dengan semakin banyak yang memilih untuk mencantumkannya di dalam profile mereka, semakin aku merasa bosan dengan terminologi tersebut dan semakin aku merasa eksklusifitas kerumitan hubunganku ternyata tidaklah sungguh-sungguh eksklusif menjadi pengorbananku seorang dalam menjalani sebuah hubungan.
Menyedihkan? I knew.

Hingga kemudian kulihat opsi It’s Complicated di Friendster tersebut kini mencantumkan tanda hak paten. TM. Membosankan dan menyebalkan. Sebegitu bernilai ekonomikah sebuah pernyataan status (ketidakjelasan) hubungan antarmanusia? Padahal ini bukan St. Valentine’s Day.

Sehingga akhirnya, saat itu meski terasa berat, kuputuskan untuk melepaskan R. Apapun alasannya, telah tiba saatnya untuk melangkah memasuki babak baru. Menjalani kehidupan sebagai seorang Single.

Meskipun sepertinya semua orang tentu tahu bahwa ketika di saat-saat menjelang puncak produktifitas masa muda terpaksa harus hidup membujang tanpa ikatan romantika, adalah suatu kondisi yang sangat tidak enak.
Tidak ada someone special untuk berbagi kisah sukses dan rasa bangga atas sebuah pencapaian. Bahkan tidak seorang sahabat pun bisa menggantikan posisinya.

Tapi yang justru kulakukan saat itu adalah, mengumumkan kepada dunia (virtual) bahwa hidupku baik-baik saja. Sampai ke tahap menyebut diriku sedang dalam sebuah hubungan, In a Relationship.
Betul sekali, box itu yang kucontreng check-in saat-saat aku sesungguhnya sedang Single.
Penipuan publik? Itu hanya istilah hiperbola yang diciptakan infotainment untuk menuduh para selebriti kelas B yang memalsukan status mereka.

Maknanya bagi diriku sendiri? Pahit.

Karena, tidak ada seorangpun yang sungguh-sungguh kutipu, selain diriku sendiri.

Gone

Sometimes,
My mind still wandered
Thinking about how our relationship used to be
Before our love is gone

We were so entwined in our lies,
Surrounded by this make believes

I should have known the road we chose would run out on us

Can you tell me now what are we supposed to do?
After all that you and I have been through,
When everything that once felt so right now turns wrong,
Now that our love is gone

Our relationships last for years, but
I didn’t really know what to call you,
And to me,
You didn’t know me at all

I know you feel so hurt inside,
As I do feel just the same,
But if you still want to go on,
We need to find another reason

We have got to find another reason to hold:

Is it ...
Love?

You always seem to know where to find me
Yet I’ll never really learn how to love you

There is nothing left between us to prove,
Don’t see any reason to deny this simple truth.
I can’t find any reasons to keep holding on,
Now that our love is gone

So I need you tell me,
How many ways can we stand there in playback?
How did we end up standing here,
While I stared at you crying underneath the clear blue sky?

There’s nothing left for us to say

It’s time to move and go separate way,
Now that our love is gone.

Dan Aku Pun Bertanya ...

Apakah Kata senafas dengan Perbuatan ?
Tahukah Tanah apa yang akan tumbuh di atasnya ?
Sanggupkah Benak mencerna semua Isyarat menjadi Bahasa ?
Mungkinkah Makna bisa dibatasi oleh Imajinasi ?
Harumkah Bunga tanpa ada yang membauinya ?
Mengapakah Hidup tak bisa menjadi lebih sederhana ?

Mampukah cinta menyatukan dua hati ...
selamanya?

By the Power of Schopenhauer

First thing first, I don't really know whether I spell the name mentioned above in the title of this writing correctly or not, or whether the name really does exist in psychology.
Noticed the name while watching the impressive La Vita é Bella, when Ferruccio explained to Guido about the power of one’s will of mind, by referring to a state of mind when a certain person can make other person do what the first person tell the other one to do (hopefully you won’t be confused with this statement, eh?).
At first I just thought Roberto Benigni made that up for his movie, but somehow it looks fun if I have the ability to do so, just like what he told his friend in such a believable way, therefore the Schopenhauer method somehow successfully clung in my mind for so long.

And so that was how I tested it by applying the so-called Schopenhauer method to the course of events that occurred over this month of June.

About a couple of weekends ago, somehow I kept thinking of my loverboy Marc Miguel Morales. He's not a real loverboy as you think he is (or was). He's just someone I befriended with for almost four years now, virtually. Oh, not the four years that's been virtual, but the friendship is.
Marc and I, we shared secrets and thoughts, even the forbidden ones. He kind of helped me with good advices on my relations with girls back then at university's years, and I helped him with problems with the guys he fell in love with. We talked about sex much, but of course with different preferences and point of interest. Or views. That depends.
Anyway, our communications were so intense but suddenly cut out the moment I started working at a TV station earlier last year. He still dropped messages once in a while but I just don't have time to reply as much as I usually did, so it made sense that the last time I heard from him was in April 2004.
Back to this story and to the early point of my writing, couple of weekends ago he suddenly burst into my mind again, and somehow it made me feel sick. Of myself by ignoring him back then. Missed him so much I decided the first thing I want to do at the office next Monday morning was to drop him a line or two.
So, it's the Monday morning and I arrived early for that matter, around 8 a.m., an hour earlier than the usual office-hours. Prepared a cup of hot chocolate and a strawberry toast beside my computer. Logged in.
And there I found in my mailbox, the sweetest name that came up into my mind the day before, Marc. My loverboy. It's like a coincidence. Smiled sheepishly and happily, suddenly I realized that it was this much how I missed him.
Boy, he desperately needs updates on my life, since he asked me whether I still meet Tora Sudiro on regular basis. He must've been thinking that I still worked in that TV station, hahaha ... Kinda feel guilt, though.
So I replied his e-mail and promised him that I'll send him a very long one that will keep him updated with my current situation.
In which I haven't done up until this moment. Maybe later.
But I feel thankful to find my loverboy again. Told me he has graduated from uni earlier this year and now searching for a job. Said he visits gym regularly and now he's starting to have six-packs. Said he's now looking for a boyfriend. Well, if he stands in front of me now, I would really like to say to him, "I'm your boyfriend! You have me all this time!" (oh, I know this kind of statement will shocked some of my friends, but I believe a few of them won't *wink!*)

Almost the same thing happened with Kiki.
While vacationing over the long weekend in Bandung which I extended until Tuesday, I suddenly thought about her and regretted myself by accidentally erased her cell number. Decided that coming Wednesday, I will launch an e-mail calling every HIlander98 to search and find any news about friends that we haven't heard of over the year before.
And there the Schopenhauer effect happened again !
While watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith at CiWalk 21 together with my nephew, suddenly my cell vibrated in my pocket. A missed-call.
I hate it when people do that. It's bugging me.
But about five minutes later my cell vibrated again and this one was a text message. Didn't recognize the number but surprised to read the sender's name. It's from Kiki !
She asked me how I am doing and where I worked now. Yes, I do miss her, because she was a friend I got quite close with back in university's years.
She was one of the Las Mujeres de Los Bordillos (free translation : the carefree girls of Los Bordillos :-D) I have mentioned in my Friendster's profile that I would like to meet, again. Glad to know that she's doing fine in Palembang.

Now, what I regretted from the Schopenhauer method is that it doesn't happened over me and Greg (with a little significant similarities with the one in Dharma & Greg), eventhough I missed the first night spent with him, talking almost about everything (well, I'm not into his admiration of Punjabi's soap operas' stars and his unfinished grumbling on how I ruined his diet by making him drink a glass of iced chocolate after 9 p.m.), looking eagerly forward for repetitions.
Nor with "the SexxxY BeasT" (I have to drop a message before he give me a call, that selfish prick!) who can easily make my heart (and meat :-D) throbbed.
Nor with Charlie whom reminds me of a Chinese version of Jason Tedjasukmana. What is he doing Down Under while he has many guys who love him so much back here in J-town ?
Was it because somehow in which I did not really understand the rationale, the nature – and therefore, my will of mind – forbid me in getting in touch again with those guys?

Or perhaps, I must try harder to concentrate on the Schopenhauer thing ...

Come again, what was Guido's friend advised him to do to Schopenhauer-ing easier?
Was it by flapping fingers? Or mumbling the name? Hmm ...

Let me try : Schopenhauer, Schopenhauer, Schopenhauer, ...

Note from writer:
The original version of By The Power of Schopenhauer was posted online in my first blog, LoveHateDreamsLifeWorkPlayFriendshipSex, on June 22nd, 2005.
Hardly I had known back then that Arthur Schopenhauer and his metaphysical theory really did exist in history as a critique to Immanuel Kant’s theory.
This version you just finished reading is mostly based on the original version with some minor alterations, notably dictions and inter-paragraphs fragmentations.

C'est la Vie

Last Saturday night, two different girls and another guy who don't know each other, asked me out on a ‘date’.

Diane asked me to accompany her on a 'wedding-date', because she doesn't like the curse of the singles' table ever happen to her. She even insisted on lending her ex-husband's designer's suit when I told her I have nothing decent and classy enough to wear for a wedding ceremony that is going to be celebrities-studded and full of A+ guests in such a plush place.

Simone asked me to escort her on her friend's birthday party in a hip nightclub which will be followed by “only God knows what”.

Chip told me that he's up to whatever things that will please me and make me happy and enjoy the long night as long as I keep him in my company.

Three generous offers.

Which one I decided to go to and who were the less-lucky persons that I gave "NO" as an answer?

Apparently, no one.

Turned them all down by saying that I already made a promise a couple of weeks ago with an old-time friend.

In which, technically, I lied.

The situation was that I asked a girl-friend out for a midnight show of a highly-anticipated action movie but she failed to respond my offer, by not returning my calls nor replied my text messages. Later I found out that she was out of town since Thursday evening for a family-related matter.

Such irony.

By refusing the three offers – and since I don't want to make a fool out of myself by telling any of them three that I decided to change my mind and go with his/her offer instead – the only choice that was left for me to choose from (well, it was actually not an option then) was the least I expected to do over a Saturday night, that was to accompany Eric watching his most favorite TV show, Kontes Dangdut TPI.

Euw...!




- This writing was originally posted on June 22nd, 2005 -